Gameplay, narrative, graphics, audio… We can divide games into many departments of technical artistry, but which one is the most important? Finding equilibrium between them isn’t a choice, how boring would that be? It also cannot depend on the game genre, or we would be just bumping up every game’s value by catering to its likely strengths. There must be only one universal aspect of games that stands above all the others.
A decision must be made, and worry not, you won’t need to research this topic for a lifetime, because I arrived at the answer for you! After prolonged meditation, months of research, years of self-debate, countless interviews, and reading sky-high piles of papers and books spanning centuries of humankind’s best investigation, I can finally conclude that the most important thing in a video game is the position of the toilet paper, academically known as ‘toilet paper orientation’.
When rightfully equipped, a restroom that has toilet paper will have it in a specialised holder
attached to or near a wall. There are two common ways of doing this: the obviously wrong way, that has the tip of the roll facing the wall in an inwards position (called the under orientation); and the way God intended, that has the tip facing the user in an outwards position (called the over orientation). If a game depicts the under orientation, it’s bad; if it depicts the virtuous, divinely commanded, 420-IQ over orientation, then it’s good.
With this infallible know-how, it’s super easy to assess the quality of any game. For example, these games use the over orientation, so they are scientifically-factually-objectively good: Bully, Control, Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture, Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony, Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy, Grand Theft Auto V, Grand Theft Gato: Vice Kitty, Hitman 2, SAD RPG: A Social Anxiety Role Playing Game, Silent Hill 2, The Darkside Detective, The Shattering, Those Who Remain, Unpacking, and Virginia. So yes, you can invest your precious time in them, they are toilet paper orientation halal.
However, like in every important subject you can think about, it’s a bit more complicated than that. Let’s see, what happens if a game doesn’t have toilet paper or has both styles equally represented? Well, that’s easy: it’s bad. The only way a game can be good is by only featuring the over orientation. No orientation or a single example of infidel orientation means bad. So, yes, giving an option for toilet paper orientation in the settings doesn’t solve the problem, but nice try, Thimbleweed Park! Not unexpectedly, the worst games ever are those that clearly and shamelessly put the bog roll in the under position. Naughty Dog’s games are notable for this, but also Fallout 4, SOMA, and Welcome to Elk. Such terrible games. When I played them, I had to sprint to my toilet just to see an honourably positioned loo roll and avoid losing my lunch.
The best part about this categorisation system is that it can be used for other media too. For example: in the third episode of the seventh season of The Simpsons, it’s suggested by the authorities that the overhand position is wrong, ergo, The Simpsons is a bad TV show. I know, it’s amazing how this can work for everything. In fact, you can visit your bathroom right now and find out of what quality you are!
